Expectations are an inherent part of human nature. We all carry them—whether it's hoping that a friend will remember our birthday, that our partner will support us in times of need, or that a colleague will pull their weight on a project. But the reality is that placing expectations on others can often lead to disappointment and strain in our relationships. In contrast, when we shift our focus and hold expectations only for ourselves, we empower our own growth and foster healthier connections with others.
The Nature of Expectations
Expectations are mental predictions or assumptions about how things should be. They are often shaped by our past experiences, societal norms, and personal desires. However, expectations are also a double-edged sword. When they are met, they can bring joy and satisfaction. But when unmet, they can lead to feelings of anger, disappointment, and resentment.
The issue with expectations arises when we impose them on others. People are complex beings with their own thoughts, emotions, and motivations. When we expect someone to behave in a certain way, we are essentially trying to control something that is inherently uncontrollable. This creates a breeding ground for conflict, as unmet expectations can easily turn into perceived failures.
The Impact of Expectations on Relationships
When we place expectations on others, we set ourselves up for disappointment. No one can read our minds or understand the full extent of our desires and needs unless we clearly communicate them. However, even with communication, expecting others to fulfill our needs perfectly is unrealistic and unfair.
As Viktor E. Frankl emphasizes in Man’s Search for Meaning, our primary responsibility is to find meaning within ourselves rather than seeking it in external sources. Frankl's work, rooted in his experiences during the Holocaust, teaches us that the only thing we truly have control over is our own mindset and actions. When we relinquish expectations of others and instead focus on our own growth, we become more resilient and less vulnerable to the disappointments that can strain relationships.
Expectations vs. Boundaries
It's important to distinguish between expectations and boundaries. While expectations are about predicting or assuming how others should act, boundaries are about setting clear limits on what we will accept in our lives. Boundaries are healthy and necessary for maintaining self-respect and protecting our well-being.
For example, expecting a friend to always be available when we need them can lead to frustration and disappointment. However, setting a boundary that we need support during certain times is a way of communicating our needs without imposing an expectation on the other person. This allows the other person to choose how they want to respond, fostering a relationship based on mutual respect rather than obligation.
Self-Expectations: A Path to Personal Growth
When we shift our focus to setting expectations for ourselves, we take control of our own lives and personal development. Self-expectations are about setting goals, standards, and aspirations that are within our power to achieve. This approach encourages personal responsibility and empowers us to grow, learn, and become the best version of ourselves.
Connor Beaton, in Men’s Work: A Practical Guide to Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage & Find Freedom, highlights the importance of taking ownership of our lives. He argues that true growth comes from facing our own shadows and setting expectations for our behavior, mindset, and actions. By focusing on what we can control—our responses, attitudes, and efforts—we reduce the likelihood of disappointment and create a more fulfilling life.
The Freedom of Letting Go
Letting go of expectations for others doesn’t mean we lower our standards or accept poor treatment. Instead, it means we release the need for others to fulfill our desires and allow them to be who they are. This shift in perspective can lead to more authentic and harmonious relationships, where both parties feel free to be themselves without the pressure of living up to someone else’s expectations.
In the words of Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette in King, Warrior, Magician, Lover, the mature masculine understands that real power comes from within. When we expect only from ourselves and hold others with compassion and understanding, we tap into a deeper source of strength and connection.
Conclusion: The Empowerment of Self-Expectations
By holding expectations only for ourselves, we take ownership of our lives and free others to do the same. This shift not only reduces the potential for disappointment but also strengthens our relationships, as we move from a place of control to one of acceptance and understanding.
Focusing on self-expectations is not about lowering our standards but rather about empowering ourselves to grow, adapt, and thrive. When we let go of the need for others to meet our expectations, we create space for authentic relationships built on mutual respect, love, and freedom.
References:
Frankl, V. E. (1985). Man’s Search for Meaning. Beacon Press.
Beaton, C. (2020). Men’s Work: A Practical Guide to Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage & Find Freedom. Page Two Books.
Moore, R., & Gillette, D. (1990). King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine. HarperOne.
This approach allows us to focus on what we can control—our own growth and behavior—while fostering healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
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